“Never fear, I am already there!”

I am such an Israelite! I love the stories in the Old Testament that vividly describe the wavering faith of my ancestors. I take comfort in the fact that I am no different or special in that way. Perhaps, that is also why I feel so much compassion for the one labeled, Doubting Thomas! Sometimes, I feel so strong in my belief that God is absolutely good, so deeply rooted in the almost unbearable lightness of hope and then a wave of difficulty or uncertainty comes crashing. Once more, I see how very easily my faith is rocked and my peace is uprooted! Alas, I am so grateful that God, alone, is the refiner of my faith and will not cease until my dependence upon him is made perfect. I do so love God and am confident he must love me too or he surely would have thrown his hands up in the air and called it quits by now! Why, just this morning he patiently reminded me of his diligent care for me thus far and encouraged me to continue waiting expectantly for him with the, “What’s next Papa,” on my lips. How many times he has had to do this for me, how many more times I will probably need this from him and still he tirelessly continues to reveal his heart of love, his absolute trustworthiness. There is such peace in the center of his love, wrapped in the warmth of his embrace. I realized too, that I do not have to strain my ears in order to hear his voice, indeed, when necessary he will speak loudly to my heart! In fact, God sweetly highlighted this truth through my personal mothering experience. When I instruct my children, I usually use a very calm, gentle voice. However, if one of my children were about to cross the street in front of an oncoming car, I would not use a soft voice with the unrealistic expectation that they constantly remain hyper-attentive to my every utterance. I would not speak quietly, allow them to be hit by the oncoming vehicle, run to their side and say, “Well, if you had been listening to me and for my instruction, this would not have happened!” That would be cruel and manipulative, at the very least. Father is a much better parent than I am or ever will be therefore, I can place all of my confidence in his loving care, his impeccable guidance and simply breathe.

God Whispers:
“Sabrina, sweet, sweet child of mine, to you I am Yaweh-Jireh, which means that I am even now, in this moment, preparing an answer before you know that it is a need. I am your provider! Looking into the future you see the need brooding like a storm on the horizon. But it has not yet come upon you so that you know, are intimately acquainted with, the need. Sweet child, I see in advance and am already making the necessary preparations for your future needs. You will see and be reminded once more of my good/God care. Then you will remember, yet again, that I am Jegovah Jireh, your provider. Today, I have provided everything you need, trust me with your tomorrow. I love you in the same way and with the same fierceness I loved my man, David and my son, Jesus. Sabrina, I will charge you with the same charge David charged his son, Solomon. Give heed and do as I say:
Be strong, show what you’re made of! Do what I tell you! Walk in the paths I show you. Follow the life-map, (which is my rhema), absolutely, keep an eye out for the sign-posts, my course of life set out in the revelation to Moses and made manifest in my Son, the Christ! Then you’ll get on well whatever you do and wherever you go. Watch your steps that they always lead you into the experience of my love and respond by handing me your TRUST. Now smile and do not be afraid for I bring you good tidings of great joy!”*

*David’s charge to son found in I Kings:1

It’s a new day, a new beginning!

My brother’s first baby is being born today. “Happy, Birthday, Olivia!” Oh, how I cherish the births of my very own children, my six beautiful sons. Each of these breathtaking experiences were simply divine and in their own unique way ushered me into the heart of Father. Yesterday, I began reminiscing about these life-events and their impact. I was filled with longing for those sweet, new-beginnings. This morning, God greeted me with the song of a new day, full of limitless possibilities and fresh starts. The birds were singing gloriously, “Spring is in the Air,” and sitting on my deck, I began to feel Hope blossoming in my spirit. Father reminded me that there is still much, much life yet to be lived and fully enjoyed with my children! Truly, in Christ, there are always new beginnings awaiting us…

God Whispered:
“Good Morning, Sweet Child of Mine! Remember, the important things of life flow in and out of relationships. Keep doing what you’re doing, rearing your children to adulthood, working with life. Let me take care of the numbers, show you how to gain money for the provision of your dear family. Pause and calmly think of all I do, all I have done. Be still this morning and listen to the birds singing their morning aria, “Arise my Love,” and greet this day with Me. Do not despise all the life you have given, six sons, beautiful boys full of vim and vigor! Do not minimize your mother’s role, you are working with life itself and that is no small thing! I have heard your soul longing for me through the night, your spirit reaching out for me, always to find me here, now and now and now. Oh, my lovely one, open your eyes to my splendor, this sweet morn. I offer you fresh blossoms of Grace, receive this precious bouquet. Do not be afraid, I will continue to open your eyes to my goodness, my ways. I will give you signpost of encouragement to help you linger patiently for my perfect timing. Sweet one, I breathe my life into your very being, you are one of the living. I say live more fully! I make you larger than life, larger than yourself, alone. Today, I give you life, life and more life and in this, my glory is made manifest. I say again, watch and wait as I stretch your borders to accommodate this, “more and more living.” So arise, my love and greet this glorious day with Me!”

Juggling Life!

I just hate the feeling that everything is spiraling out of control! I know that control is simply an illusion and yet I want to believe that I have some effect on the people and circumstances in my life. Sometimes I feel like a novice juggler attempting to keep ten balls effortlessly rotating and a dozen plates beautifully spinning! I am absolutely sure at any moment, all will come crashing down and I will be covered in scrapes and bruises, standing knee-high in debris. At this point in my life, I do well to do one thing at a time successfully. At a menopausal fifty years of age, my brain simply doesn’t keep up with life’s challenges as well as it use to when I was a brilliant, cum laud twenty-two year old! Yet, I refuse to give up, quit or throw in the towel. I am alive, there is still breath in my being and my mother’s heart continues to beat inside my chest. I gaze at the sweet, often grimy faces of my sons and peer into their beautiful green eyes looking to me for the answer. The answer to the unspoken question in all of our hearts, “Will we be okay?” I know that actions speak much louder than words so, I go to my pile of hats, don my jester’s cap, pick up my juggling balls, grab my plates and try again and again and again.

God Whispers:
“Sweet child of mine, all is well with your soul and yes, everything is truly as it should be. My eyes are upon you, little sparrow, upon you and your brood of fledglings! Everything is not dependent upon you and your abilities. Here, you are free to breathe a sigh of relief. Don’t forget the “more” nestled in my love! Remember, “for this you need Jesus, for this you have Jesus.” Trust me with all of your unspoken, unanswered questions. Know that I treasure the answers to all of your many questions and will disclose everything in my perfect, loving time. Meanwhile, do what is before you this day, one single moment at a time. Know you are loved, you and your six sons. My pleasure rests upon your household so feel my smile deep within your heart and live fully, love fiercely and laugh lustily…now and now and now.”

Uncertainties or Possibilities, that is the question!

Sunshine squeezes through the weave of my curtains, dribbling its diffuse light across my face while I hear the birds outside my bedroom window trilling the song, “Morning has Broken.” My eyes are not yet fully open to this new day as I lay snuggled warmly within the folds of my soft, down comforter and yet I am fully conscious of something heavy constricting my heart. My mind struggles to remember what it is that weighs so heavy on my chest and then I recall—all is not safe, all is not known and all is not guaranteed. I am intimately acquainted with this burden whose name is Uncertainty. I am equally familiar with his companions, Fear and Doubt. Then a gentle breeze begins to stir, blowing away the cobwebs in my heart and I am fully awakened to the reality of my God, my one and only Sure-Thing! I slowly slide out of bed, place my feet on the floor and stretch my arms heavenward to grab aholt of this day…a day full of uncertainties but also a day full of possibilities…a very simple day in the life of Sabrina. I write what I live. I have had a troubled life….primarily because of the many lies I have believed, partly because of the choices I have made as a result of these faulty beliefs and last but not least… due to the simple fact that this is a fallen world filled with the misery of being separated from Love. I am comforted by the awareness that I have never been alone, I am not alone, and I will never be alone since my sweet, sweet Jesus, is most surely with me now and now and now!. I know too, that all people born into this troublesome planet suffer these same trials and tribulations…I am not special in this way. Lately, I have experienced many of these quiet, early morning reveries during which God has faithfully reminded me of my countless Ebenezer’s, earmarking his good care in the midst of my life-storms. I especially love the sweet remembrances that all is not what it seems and in the end all of God’s children will in fact stand victoriously triumphant…including me! Even now, my heart is filled with gratitude when I ponder how his loving light has consistently shone brighter than any darkness that has ever threatened to consume me and how he has graciously handed me buckets of joy in the midst of great sorrow. Tonight is one such occasion where my heart is full to the brim and overflowing with pure pleasure! I spent the entire evening with my six beautiful boys. We prepared our meal together, gathered around our kitchen table and feasted on stir-fry and each others fellowship. We concluded the festivities around a campfire listening to my nineteen year old play his Indian flute. This day that had begun with so much uncertainty…ended with a beautiful memory filled with laughter and song. My Sovereign Strong let it be known that to shrink from all of the uncertainties means you also prevent all of the infinite possibilities to live fully, love deeply and laugh long and hard!

God Whispers:
“Sweet child of mine, this life of yours is filled with uncertainties but remember nothing in heaven or on earth is unknown to me. All of your uncertainties become infinite possibilities in me, your Sovereign Strong! So the question becomes where will you place your trust and on what will you focus your attention? Precious one, come let me love you and open your eyes to my perspective. I will not ever fail you….on that certainty you can depend. The point is always to be loved by me and love those I place in your path. Trusting me with all of your many uncertainties frees you to do just that. Now arise my love, let the “What’s next, Papa” guide your steps and you will be amazed at how the endless possibilities quickly become glorious realities! Love and trust instantly usher you into the land of possibilities and out from under the tyranny of uncertainties laden with fear and doubt. So come, come now and let us have an adventure together exploring this vast terrain.”

Blooms of Forgetfulness

My heart lurches as I read the words written by this person who claimed to be for me. Words of accusation inscribed in an e-mail to my adversary. A sinking feeling sweeps over me as the reality registers and my soul cries out, “You said you were my friend!” Anger and sadness begin to compete for first place in the line-up of emotions swirling inside my being. “Not again.” I cry as another person is added to my roster of betrayers. Then slowly I remember…she is only human and doesn’t fully comprehend what she is doing. Wounded people wound people and much to my dismay…I am no different. We are the same, she and I. Compassion begins to rise with the memory of my own failures and suddenly I am grateful for a faithful Father who has made a way to stay forgiven and forgiving. I reflect for a moment on how unknowingly I have maintained and almost cherished my mental list of betrayers.”It is time,” I hear and with these words comes the awareness of what I must do… let it go. I close my eyes and in my imagination see myself tightly clutching a tattered piece of paper naming all who have cunningly played the role of Judas. Jesus is standing before me, strong, gentle hands outstretched and open, ready to receive my torn offering. “It is time, Little One, to completely surrender this painful remembrance,” he encourages. “But Jesus, if I totally forget, how will I make sure this doesn’t happen again?” I moan. “Sweet, child of mine, you cannot avoid this form of pain while journeying on this planet,” He responds tenderly. “But Jesus, I want to,” I say as I slowly hand him the reminder. “I know. child. Remember, I feel your pain and am well acquainted with your grief. Remember too, I am here for you now and now and now. I will wipe away your tears and hug your sweet heart close to mine.” I watch intently as Jesus crumples the list with his nail-scarred hands and suddenly, the old piece of paper transforms into a bouquet of fragrant orange blossoms! “Precious one,” Jesus croons as he hands me the flowers. “These are known as blooms of forgetfulness…they will help you release past sorrows. Watch as their petals unfold to embrace this present moment in time…this day…this fleeting life. Smell their sweet aroma and remember to breathe deeply the fragrance of now.” My eyes flutter open and I am flooded with the awareness of being in Christ, snugly wrapped in the blanket of his love and good-God care. Wow, I sincerely believed I had already forgiven these people, done away with that list a long, long time ago and the dawning of a deeper understanding rises in the horizon of my consciousness…this process is not a one time deal! I am more aware than ever before of my relentless need for Jesus and his precious, orange nose-gay. I will never be able to stay forgiven and truly forgive apart from my Sovereign Strong advocating with the Father on my behalf. I soak in the sunshine of his love, his faithful being there for me always, Father and Son making all things right, and I feel the sweet warmth of forgiveness slowly infuse my being. My heart expands with the love given me and I know, that I know, that I know….I can do all things in Christ who loves me most and makes me so much stronger and bigger than myself alone. I must say, I like my sweet-smelling, orange flowers so much more than that smelly, old, tattered piece of paper!

“Love never fails me!”

I so desperately need an advocate, someone to stand for me and mightily defend me against the wiles of the Accuser/Destroyer! The first letter of John declares I have an Advocate (One Who will intercede for me) with the Father–[it is] Jesus Christ [the all] righteous.Yet, I ask myself, “What exactly does that mean?” Webster defines advocate as: 1) one that pleads the cause of another; specifically : one that pleads the cause of another before a tribunal or judicial court; 2) one that defends or maintains a cause or proposal; 3) one that supports or promotes the interests of another. Recently, my earthly circumstance have screamed, “Sabrina, you need an advocate!” So, I obtained the services of a legal advocate, paid her to plead my cause before a human tribunal and came away with a much greater awareness of how very limited and often self-serving this form of human backing can be! While at the same place in time, I had a myriad of “wounded-healers,” with hearts open to Jesus, coming along side me, standing sure with me and supporting me when I thought I could no longer endure. This sweet, compassionate championing felt like a cool glass of water refreshing my very parched soul and imbuing me with the much needed backbone of Grace. The world’s ways are certainly not God’s ways and I am sure that what Jesus means when he declares, “He is my advocate with the Father,” encompasses so much more than what I know or have truly experienced. Some synonyms for advocate include: exponent, advocator, apostle, backer, booster, champion, expounder, espouser, friend, herald, high priest, paladin, promoter, proponent, protagonist, supporter, true believer, and white knight. It is my limited understanding and belief that Jesus and Father are both championing my cause, bravely battling my adversaries now and now and now…forevermore. Violently throwing off any and everything that attempts to come between me and the perfect, unbroken fellowship with them. Father and Son stand with me, for me, supporting me in my frail humanity, they promote my on-going spiritual formation, they have my back, they boost me to heights “that are higher than I,” they are my true believers, cherishing the me of me, my greatest fans and together they are my White Knight! Jesus as my “Advocate with the Father” simply means “Love never fails me!”

God Whispers:
Sweet child of mine, I love you with an everlasting love! Father and I are constantly for you now and now and always. We are faithfully fighting the good fight on your behalf, waging war against the lies you believe about yourself and Father. We are safely keeping your peace and promoting your freedom to be perfectly dependent on Him who loves you most! You are never alone, never abandoned, never forsaken. We cherish your heart nestled in Ours. Nothing, absolutely nothing can ever undermine our good intentions for you or come between you and Our love. So, peace be still and rest in the reality of our holy advocacy which simply translates, “Love never fails you!”

“What’s next, Papa?”

My God is truly an awesome God and I am, at this very moment, filled to the brim and overflowing with “radical amazement, silent wonder and affectionate awe!”* I have been struggling with extremely painful life-circumstances but tonight I witnessed and was a part of something I never believed possible…the genesis of reconciliation between two people separated by thirty years of pain and betrayal. During the last week I have had several major epiphanies about God, myself and God in the hearts of other broken, wounded and hurting people. I have learned that my very best belief is but dung compared to God’s precious thoughts and His beautiful ways! This realization was birthed because of my agonizing travail of surrender and my infant dependency upon my Sovereign Strong. Oh, to remember this Ebenezer of God with me, in me and all around me…now and now and now. My hope is growing roots deep down into the love of my sweet Saviour and I celebrate this small step toward living free to believe in his goodness regardless of people or circumstances. Opening my hand, releasing my wounded agendas and saying yes to God makes all things possible. How sweet it is to allow God to be God and myself to just be the created human clinging to her Creator. Recognizing “God knows better than I” and crying “anacol” ushers in a very adventurous life filled with wide open spaces where even the sky is not the limit. I don’t know the end of this specific story or even the final outcome of these particular circumstances but I do know God is capable of doing amazing things when I lean hard into Jesus and let him take the wheel. So today, I smile and revel at God’s handiwork while looking forward to tomorrow with “What’s next Papa?” in my heart and on my lips.

God Whispers:
“Sweet, child of mine, I am glorifying you as my chosen one, in whom I am well pleased! I am highlighting what it looks like to be a human loved by his or her Creator. I have given you the right to inquire of Me…so call upon me now. Constantly return to Me and I will always, always have love, pity and mercy for you. You are thirsty, you are penniless, you are weary…I say come and I will freely give you priceless spiritual milk and wine simply for the self-surrender that accepts the blessing! Come, precious one and let your soul delight itself in the profuseness of spiritual joy. Come empty-handed and feast at the bounteous table I have prepared just for you! Submit and consent to my divine will…treasure the “you know better than I” in your heart…keep it on your lips. Then and only then will you go out from the spiritual exile caused by sin and evil into the homeland of peace that passes understanding and joys forevermore.”

*Brennan Manning’s definition of the fear of God.

The Travail of Surrender…

“Sweet child of mine, I love you with a mighty, everlasting love. My love has no need in it, only inexhaustible provision which sustains the, “For this you need Jesus, for this you have Jesus!” My peace, ‘freedom from all the distresses that are experienced as the result of sin,’ I offer now and now and now…forevermore.” Jesus spoke these beautiful words to my heart this morning and yet at this moment I am in agony and I feel many things but peace is not one of them! My heart feels ripped and shredded like so much garbage or unwanted trash.
“Jesus, can’t there be some other way?”….I scream in the throws of my excruciating labor pains, as my soul gives birth to humility and complex trust. “Why, oh God….does it have to be this way? It hurts so badly…it hurts so!” All I can say is, “Jesus,” as the contractions of my surrender nearly rip me asunder! “Lord, please help me! You promised to stay close during the hours of my travail…don’t fail me now….please, sweet Jesus.”
And I hear Jesus Whisper:
“Sweet child of mine, I am well acquainted with your grief. When I was in the garden of Gethsemane, I too wanted there to be another way. Remember, precious one, all is not what it seems! Satan saw me ripped and shredded like so much garbage and hung on a tree. He thought for sure he had won the war but in reality it was Father’s greatest victory and my finest hour. You are my sweet one and I love you so very much….but don’t forget your big brother’s journey now. Don’t forget how it turned out for me…I rose beautiful, resurrected whole and gloriously triumphant. Daddy loves you like he loves me and his plan for your life is an awesome one, I promise. Why just today we dreamed a little dream for you and watered it with our tears.I talked to Abba about you today and asked that your faith would endure. It will little Sis, it will…I made sure of it…I did the hard part on that cross so that you would never have to experience this pain all alone. I am here…I really am…you are not alone and you will never be alone because of what Papa and I did. It is almost finished and you will see the beauty of my ways. Until then, rest in my love and our good Father’s care. Peace, be still…lay your head on my shoulder and sleep sweetly…I will watch over you.”

Sometimes, God’s Love Crushes!

It hurts to be crushed by God, to be in the refiners fire. This pain unto life can be very intense and yet it always brings with it a sweet relief. Recently, I have again had the opportunity to open my hands to the God who truly “knows better than I.” Before, I would feel God’s crushing and doubt his love but this time was different…this time I knew, that I knew, that I knew, the only reason he would allow such agony of my soul was indeed for its rescue and because of his profound cherishing! I can hardly express how very loved I felt in the moment of this revelation and somehow this awareness alone greatly eased my pain! I would love to think that I will never again doubt his great love for me or the plan he has for my life but I know myself and am intimately acquainted with my frail humanity. I take comfort in the fact that God knows me best and has made every provision for the success of our relationship and the completion of my spiritual formation. As for now, I am going to enjoy this beautiful peace, this sweet rest and snuggle with my Daddy who has everything under control and holds me gently in the cradle of his hands.

God Whispers:
“Sweet child of mine, I love you dearly as the pupil of my eye. My crushing, my refiners fire is indeed a high form of cherishing your heart. I never take pleasure in your pain but I do glory in the freedom won by suffering. You are my child and I am especially fond of you. I am the relentless pursuer of your heart and I will do whatever it takes to make it mine. Remember, I will not ever…no never…leave you alone in your travail. The enemy is relentless in his lie tactics, always inventing new ways to create fear and doubt but I am the Hound of Heaven and my love is reckless, raging fury. I will not stop…no never…until it is finished and your absolute freedom to depend upon me is made perfect! I will see to it that your hope is grounded in me alone and firmly established upon my rock-solid love! My ways are indeed higher than your ways..but I gladly bend down and meet you where you are, constantly reassuring you that no matter what it looks like, regardless of how it may appear from your limited/wounded perspective— I am for you! Hear me now, I love you, I love you, I love you! I will never grow weary of revealing my heart and my good God-care. I will never tire of expressing my love to you for you are indeed my beloved and I love you most. Rest in the absolute assurance of my love, stay open to receive all things from me and simply respond.”

Response is a Dance!

Lately, I have been pondering what it means to be responsive so I decided to look at the definition. According to the WordNet dictionary, responsiveness is sometimes defined as “being susceptible to the feelings and attitudes of others.” It can also mean, “readily reacting to people or events; showing emotion.” It is my understanding and belief that when God replaces our heart of stone with a heart of flesh we are imbued with a new-found freedom to respond…first to God and then to others. This is the miracle of God’s rescue! No longer must we be corralled by external mandates of good, clean living but now we are free to simply live in and out of an intimate, responsive, love-relationship with the God of all creation. This heart transformation results in the following synonyms for responsiveness: acknowledging, active, alive, answering, awake, aware, compassionate, conscious, forthcoming, impressionable, influenceable, kindhearted, open, passionate, perceptive, persuadable, reactive, receptive, replying, respondent, sensible, sensitive, sentient, sharp, softhearted, susceptible, sympathetic, tender, warm, warmhearted. I know that God is always the Initiator and I am always the Responder.I know that he always extends the invitation to, “Come in and know Me better, man!”* and because of his great rescue I am fully alive, awake, aware, susceptible/impressionable to the movement of the Holy Spirit and there-by made able by his grace to accept his awesome invitation. It is in this secret place of the Most High…my heart continues to be transformed into the “dancer” he created me to be…constantly being made able to respond to his lead…”the gentle press of his hand on the small of my back or the slightest tension exerted upon my arm.” This spiritual formation from hardhearted to softhearted is not a one-time deal but an ongoing process dependent upon God and his sweet Holy Spirit. This world is filled with countless opportunities to harden even the softest, most tender hearts of his children but he is indeed faithful to perfect that which he began. So, again and again, I stake my life and the condition of my heart on him. The only thing my beloved ever requires of me is the “yes” he purchased for me. So, when he holds out his sweet hand and asks me for a dance I am able to place my hand in his, enter the dance floor of my life and twirl, glide or spin with abandon…safe in the arms of my perfect Lead.

God Whispers: August 2, 2008
“Sweet child of mine, look into my eyes of love and feel my good pleasure. Focus all of your attention on me. Remember, there is no need to carefully watch your steps when you are dancing with an expert! There is no need to watch your feet rather trust me to know what I am doing and simply yield to my movements. Focusing on your feet increases the likelihood of stepping on toes, tripping up and bumping into others. Little one, let yourself feel the music, the warmth of my embrace, the touch of my hand and respond. Glide across the dance floor, free to be you in the arms of love. You are my sweet, sweet child and I am the master of your Dance.”

*’The Muppet Christmas Carol’